Skyrim Glitch
by Nocturniquette
Summary: Based off of Lord Scatsbury's infamous youtube videos about the glitches and bugs of Skyrim. Just a bunch of (hopefully) funny drabbles about all the way that the game can go wrong.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Based on Lord Scatsbury's infamous youtube vids of his modded Skyrim. Basically, this is a series of oneshots based off the glitches and bugs in Skyrim. In other words: "Fucking skooma!"

Chapter 1: How Are You Going To Fight Lying Down?

It started off as a typical day in Skyrim. The sun shone brightly, the hawks flew around in elegant circles, there were people being robbed on the highway, the guards were taking bribes, and dragons were eating people. Really, it was a typical day. If you ignored the fact that the Mammoths turned into giant Triceratops. And Inigo Montoya turned into a Khajiit with a pirate hat and an eye patch and a gun. Let's also not forget that Kharjo is a MURDERER. And that Samuel is apparently immortal. Just ask Lord Scatsbury. And Immortal by Two Steps From Hell is the best fighting music ever...especially when you're riding a dragon. We all want just one more day….

But we were talking about glitches.

Arcturus Devereaux was just your typical mage. He liked to use magic for everything. He still has no idea why he joined the Companion's but apparently the Gods wanted that to happen so it did.

Stupid Bethesda, how in the hell are you going to make a MAGE join an ORDER OF WARRIORS who conveniently don't notice that you "have no honor" because you're using that awful "magic hocus pocus?"

MOVING ON.

Arcturus was just coming out of the tomb with the fragment of Wuuthrad, (was he supposed to memorize the place or something?) when he looked around for Farkas. He didn't see him.

"Farkas?" "Seriously, did you get stuck behind a bucket again?" "That's the third time this week Bethesda.." Arc muttered to himself. He just so happened to look down.

There, on the ground, lay Farkas. Now this normally wouldn't be weird if he was inside Jorrvaskr in his bed. But they had just exited a TOMB filled with DEAD PEOPLE.

Farkas lay on his back, his two-handed weapon in ONE HAND, looking for all the world like he was enjoying the rays of the sun. And he didn't blink.

"Farkas...why are you lying on the ground?"

"We should get back to Jorrvaskr."

"Why are you laying on the ground?" Maybe he didn't understand the question…?

"The others will be waiting back at Jorrvaskr."

Arc sighed and began to walk away….when he turned around and noticed that Farkas was following behind him by GLIDING ON THE GROUND.

"Are you going to walk normally?" No answer.

Arc sighed to himself. "Fucking Bethesda." he muttered. He suspected he'd be muttering that particular phrase a lot. He didn't know how right he was.

Several hours later, they were back at Whiterun. The guards said nothing of Farkas's weird behavior. Yeah, real nice. You drop a freakin iron dagger on the ground and one of them demands a bribe, but they say absolutely nothing when confronted with whatever the hell _this_ was.

Then they stepped inside Whiterun. Arc had to wait through a black loading screen telling him stuff he already knew and then finally, after what seemed like hours, Whiterun came into view.

And so did Farkas.

Who was standing upright like he should've been hours ago.

Arc had only one thing to say about all this.

" **FUCKING SKOOMA!** "

AN: If you have any ideas for glitches/bugs, please drop me a review and let me know! Thanks for reading, and I hope you laughed! Until next time!


	2. Not Even The Animals Are Spared

Chapter 2: Even The Animals Aren't Spared

Arcturus Devereaux was currently running through Forsworn territory. Inigo Montoya was behind him, Kharjo was off to the left, and little Samuel in his cute Daedric armor was on his other side.

"We should go on an adventure pa!" the child exclaimed.

Arc gritted his teeth. "I have a better idea. Why don't you stay behind and entertain the Forsworn? Maybe they'll find a way to permanently kill you this time."

"But that doesn't sound fun at all pa." Samuel replied. "We should play tag!"

"Go play tag with a werewolf!" Arc yelled.

"The wind blows bitter cold in this place," Kharjo murmured, even though the sun was shining merrily and there was no breeze, thus making it pretty damn hot out.

"We're not in Winterhold cat!" Arc exclaimed.

"You use that word. I do not think you know what it means." Inigo said to him.

Once upon a time he had liked The Princess Bride...

Arc released a howl of rage and stalked forward only to come face to face with a bear.

The bear however was standing upright with all four paws extended outwards as if it was a bad B movie zombie.

Arc barely lunged to the side before Inigo the Khajiit fired his cannonball shotgun at it.

"Goddamn it! Would you stop trying to kill me!?"

Kharjo was the MURDERER of the group, but Inigo was a close second. Especially after he'd blown up that Triceratops...

He killed it instantly, but the bear didn't topple over. Of course it had made the appropriate noise of death, but it was still standing. Like some sort of demented statue.

An elk suddenly pranced by, but mid-jump it suddenly started to glide over the open ground causing Arc to stare, mouth agape. "What the fuck Bethesda?!" Arc yelled to the sky.

Shrugging, Arc conjured his Netherfire horse, Ajax, to him through the use of yep, you guessed it, Conjuration.

Only his horse didn't come. He looked around in confusion. He knew he cast the spell right.

Then quite suddenly, Ajax fell from the sky and hit the ground with an earth-shattering impact.

The poor damn thing toppled over dead.

"FUCKING BETHESDA!" Arc screamed.

He knew he shouldn't have gotten out of his warm straw bed today.


	3. For The Love of Shalidor!

For The Love of Shalidor!

Arcturus Devereaux was excited for once. He was currently in Shalidor's Maze and was having fun figuring out the puzzle. Kharjo was off murdering people, Inigo was….somewhere and he had left Samuel behind in the Reach. He was entertaining Forsworn. He hoped he never saw the little immortal bastard ever again.

Moving on. For the first time since his quest started in Skyrim, Arc was alone in the world. He wiped away a few tears of joy. The silence was golden. It was wonderful. It was glorious. It was beautiful. It was—okay you get the point.

He hit the last Conjuration pillar with the correct spell and watched as the gate opened. So far so good.

Then quite abruptly he was in a sphere of magical energy. A roar from a Dremora who was wielding a gigantic freaking axe was heard and Arc cursed as it headed straight for him.

WHO THE HELL LOCKS UP A DEADRA IN A FREAKIN MAZE!? FUCKING BETHESDA, THAT'S WHO!

After being brutally tossed around like a ragdoll and nearly decapitated about 100 times, Arcturus finally, finally killed the asshole.

He looted the corpse of everything and then looked around. He began to walk around, wondering why there was no black loading screen. It should have happened by now. It was supposed to take him back to Shalidor's Maze. He read it in the strategy guide.

He touched the walls. He Shouted at the walls. Nothing.

He came to the only conclusion he could. He was stuck. Stuck in a magical sphere with a dead Dremora.

"Oh come on!" Arc yelled at the ceiling, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

He kicked the Dremora in the head and watched as the body jolted and rolled over. Still no loading screen.

Arc sighed. It looked as if he'd have to reload a previous save. So he did. Maybe Samuel got murdered this time, he could only hope. He had tried to take him back to Honorhall several times, but Constance Michel had ignored him as usual. She kept saying he was a wonderful parent. He suspected that after the abuse of Grelod the Kind, she wasn't quite all there anymore.

But I digress.

"And the Scrolls have foretold of black wings in the cold, that when brothers wage war come unfurled! Alduin, Bane of Kings, ancient shadow unbound, with a hunger to swallow the world!" the black screen told him. Arcturus mockingly sung the sentence as he waited impatiently for his screen to come back.

He had saved right before the Conjuration pillar, so he should be okay.

When the loading screen faded, he was right in front of the last pillar. After casting the same spell again and watching the pillar glow and the gates come open again, Arc proceeded a lot more carefully.

But not carefully enough because he found himself in the same magical bubble as before. "NO!" he shouted, gaining the attention of the Dremora from last time.

This time, he was instantly decapitated by the Daedra. There was a black loading screen and Arc found himself in front of the Conjuration pillar yet again.

"FUCKING BETHESDA!" Arc screamed at the sky.

He was a stubborn man, and so, did the ritual again.

He was transported into the magical bubble again.

He set the Dremora on fire and laughed insanely as he burned to a crisp and then finally to ashes.

No loading screen.

"WHO MAKES A BROKEN MAZE? THAT'S RIGHT! FUCKING BETHESDA!" Arc screamed shrilly as he collapsed and began to sob.

"I just wanted to have some time alone." he cried. "Away from the MURDERER, immortal child, and Inigo Montoya! What did I do wrong?"

"You installed a bunch of mods and broke the game pa!" came the hated voice he hated.

He turned slowly and ignoring the "DUN DUN DUN" in the background, and came face-to-face with his wrongly adopted son. He knew he should've picked Hroar...

There little Samuel was, not a scratch on his pretty Daedric armor, and a wide smile on his cute cherubic face.

"You—You—You GODS WHY!? WHY!?"

Then he realized something. How did Samuel get in here?

"Oh, I just used a map marker to find you and came right in pa!"

"Can you get out?" Arc asked nicely.

Samuel didn't seem to notice the evil glint in his not-father's eyes. Yeah, he was totally gonna leave Samuel here.

"Sure can pa! Watch this!" and Samuel disapparated. Or teleported. Whatever. The point was, was that the brat disappeared.

Arc tried to teleport to and found that he couldn't. It was okay though. His brat was here. Samuel came back an instant later. Arc grabbed his boy's shoulder and told him to teleport him to Whiterun. Samuel teleported, but Arc remained where he was, trapped in a magical sphere.

"FUCKING BETHESDA!" he screamed.

He then loaded yet another save and found himself in Shalidor's Maze.

"Nope." he said and teleported away.


End file.
